Love is a verb — you don't just feel it, you also act it

It is quite sad that around 40% of first marriages end in divorce. And the challenge in many marriages is that couples don’t speak the love language that their spouse understands.

Everyday, we get to make a choice to speak someone else’s love language. ~ Gary Chapman, Ph.D.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, these are the love languages:

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Gift giving
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

Almost every other marital problem can be solved if couples learn to communicate effectively. ~ Gary D. Chapman

We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love. ~ Gary Chapman, Ph.D.

The “in–love” feeling doesn't last long in relationships

Our physiological makeup is deeply connected to romantic love. So, we continuously seek it in our marriages. ~ Gary D. Chapman

People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. ~ Gary Chapman Ph.D.

The language of your partner and your emotional love language might differ like English and French. Therefore, you need to learn and speak the primary love language of your partner in order to communicate love to them effectively.

It is vital to know the kind of love that’s important to our emotional wellbeing

Psychologists have established that the desire to feel loved is a basic human emotional need. ~ Gary D. Chapman

A child needs to feel wanted and loved in order to grow into a responsible adult. If that emotional need isn’t met and the “love tank” is empty, the child will misbehave, because they are lacking socially and emotionally.

The emotional need for love — love tank — isn’t restricted to just childhood, it follows us into adulthood and marriage. A love tank is an emotional tank that needs to be filled with love. Unmet emotional needs might result in social and emotional issues.

The experience of “falling in love” is a confusing phenomenon

Long – range studies were done by psychologist Dorothy Tennov on the in – love phenomenon. She found that romantic obsession doesn’t last longer than two years. Once this period is over, close lovers can become enemies and fight over every small thing.

Effort and dedication are required for love to last longer than the initial obsession stage.

Falling in love is an instinctual part of our mating behavior determined by our genetics. ~ Gary D. Chapman

The kind of love that makes a marriage last is intentional and is known as rational, volitional love. This is good news for couples who have lost in–love feelings. They can make a choice to keep each other’s emotional love tank full.

Amplify the effect of your words and use them to build up your partner

The first love language is words of affirmations. Here, the tone of your voice is exceedingly important. ~ Gary D. Chapman

It is a fact that we are motivated to do something our partner wants when we get affirming words from them. Another way to give a verbal compliment is to encourage them, because we all have insecurities holding back our full potential. These encouraging words can help us to summon the courage to accomplish our goals.

We need to talk with kindness and tenderness. The way we express our desires is also important. By making requests, we are affirming the abilities and worth of our partner.

To double the effect of your affirmative words, compliment your partner in front of friends and families, or talk about them positively to someone else. ~ Gary D. Chapman

Your full attention can mean the world to your partner

The second love language is quality time. Create time as often as you can to just be with your partner exclusively and with no tech distractions. ~ Gary D. Chapman

Togetherness is the main part of quality time, because two people might be sitting closely in a room, but they might not be automatically together.

Quality time doesn’t mean spending all the moments looking into each other’s eyes. What matters is the emotions created while together.

The thing that makes someone feel loved emotionally is not always what makes another person feel the same way. ~ Gary D. Chapman

There are many dialects of the language of quality time, one is quality conversations. This involves sharing your desires, thoughts, feelings, and experiences in a calm, uninterrupted manner.

When your partner shares a problem with you, they usually want you to listen and sympathize, not offer advice or possible solutions. ~ Gary D. Chapman

Your partner might value jewelry or presents more than words

The third love language is giving gifts.

Gifts are one of the easiest ways to express love because they can be made, found, or bought. All you have to do is to keep a note of all the gifts that your spouse has expressed interest in receiving over the years.

Gifts do not have to be expensive, it is the love behind giving that matters, not the monetary value. ~ Gary D. Chapman

You need to change your perspective about money especially if you are the saving type. You hardly buy anything for yourself since you would rather save as much as possible.

Being there for someone who needs you during a crisis is more important to them than anything else. ~ Gary D. Chapman

The gift of presence or self is also important to some people whose primary love language is receiving gifts.

Don’t let stereotypes hold you back from showing love

The fourth love language is acts of service. When it comes to this, the little things often are what matter the most. Think of little ways you can help around everyday. ~ Gary D. Chapman

When you do some of those things positively, they serve as an expression of love because they require energy, effort, time, planning, and thought.

The touch of love may take many forms in marriage

The fifth love language is physical touch.

Infants who are held, kissed and hugged develop into adults with healthier emotions than those with no physical contact for long.

Physical touch can help people to cope during crises. If the love language of your partner is physical touch, give them a hug or other non–sexual touches when they're going through tough times. ~ Gary D. Chapman

Conclusion

You need to discover your love language to be able to tell your partner about your desires. Once the love tanks of couples are full, other aspects of their relationship will take care of themselves.

To keep the emotional love tank full, learn and use your partner’s primary love language. Do one of the following activities regularly, depending on your partner's primary love language:

• Write down daily words of affirmation for your spouse and review the list with them on weekends if their primary language is words of affirmation.
• For the quality time partner, spend at least 10 minutes of undivided attention with them daily.
• If your partner's language is gift giving, take their special days seriously. Also think of ways you can surprise them on non – special days. Remember it doesn't have to be expensive; it's the thoughtfulness that counts.
• For acts of service, make a commitment to help around the house as often as you can. Run errands for your partner, too.
• The last one is physical touch. If your partner reacts to physical touches more than anything else, start getting used to kisses, hugs, and regular hand holding.

Try this

Ask your partner to tell you one thing you can do to make your relationship better. Take whatever they tell you seriously.